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...disconcertedly yours,

Dear Toilet spray and aerosol manufacturers

We have a major problem in the poop department and it’s got nothing to do with dirty nappies for once. It does not matter which type of aerosol or spray you use in your bathroom, the smell that remains after spraying any amount of your chosen flavor will be a mixed aroma of the byproduct of the three bean salad with extra armpit shavings and toads’ stomachs left in the porcelain tub i.e. a smell that can alter your very DNA make-up, and a fragrance that actually smells quite charming if it was not first and fore mostly meant to actually eradicate the smell in the bathroom after one’s BM.

Left with this dual layered fragrance of defecation and deodorizer, we are left with a confusing lapse of olfactory recognition once we’ve disbursed the spray and we end up asking ourselves whether we actually bought a toilet deodorizer that smells like poop flavored Irish morning meadows.

It is an unquestionable fact that no toilet spray or aerosol company had been able to manufacture a fragrance that has the ability to completely mask the smell of human kind’s smelliest habit, performed in a space that is often shared with two or more people. But let’s quickly scrutinize our behavior in reaction to poopy smells.

We have to recognize that any flatulence discharged in the company of others is never identified by way of a small little conservative sniff. The initial announcement is enough to have everyone take in humongous nosefuls of the expelled gas. It simply is never just a tiny little whiff followed by the impending lashes of harsh personal criticism. It almost appears that people want to consume all of the odor before the others do. It has also occurred that more than often people will remain in the space and proximity of the smell, save being trapped in say, a car.

We follow the same conflicting behavior when we are alone. Taking large meaningful lung fulls of our own flavor, much more so than for any other smell our bodies might produce. I’m not going to research it, but there is probably some useful primordial biological function that smelling our own and others' bowel aroma fulfills. Whether it is some hormone discharged that enables our organisms better distinguish between harmful and beneficial bacteria in our bodies or actually being filled with some sort of disease fighting enzyme, I couldn’t be sure. Fart smelling behavior however does attest to something we contrarily, find stimulating and falsely react negatively to it as we in actual fact, silently revel in the dark side of our olfactory spectrum.

The one thing we can very much be certain of is that nothing neutralizes the smell like lighting a match. However barbaric and lost in a deleted era a box of matches on a candle holder in the lavatory, masquerading as candle lighters, might appear.

The solution would be for the toilet spray and aerosol manufacturers to either try and USE SCIENCE to find the correct, manufactur-able chemical compounds to expel the smell, or simply accept that people really do like the smell of their and others’ flatulence, and produce a spray that actually enhances the smell, on route, addressing the stigma of 'we hate the smell of farts'.

Further, it might not be a bad idea to let this smell enhancing spray release a mist of colorful vapor to associate a smell that humans obviously enjoy, with a colorful and mystique glow. There really can be nothing more entrancing than a person walking out of the water closet engulfed in pink or orange smoke. If the molecules of the mist could also combine with the hydrogen sulfide you can see the area you want to or don’t want to steer clear of.

Perhaps a slogan of, "Back, from our Future", “Have you met the person inside today?”, “A noseful for everyone”, “To you, from dear all of me”.

If a lit ember’s sulfur dioxide works so incredibly well to disperse and break down the methane gas, why not just bring out branded boxes of matches that releases a nice roasted oaky or even a barbecue smell, instead of the sulfuric smell of a burnt match.

The smell of shit, laced with peaches and cream is to be honest, not naturally welcoming and simply confuses the already deceptive current arrangement. It doesn’t address the need to completely disguise a smell which we can neither completely be certain is as unwanted as our common behavior has inculcated us to believe.

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