...disappointedly yours

December 19, 2016

 

Dear Solar Roof Producers

So Tesla Solar makes the dramatic and almost 'inconceivable' leap in solar roof design to not make it look like braces strapped onto little Tiny Tim’s polio infested extremities. Did no one in the science community have a neighbor or mother-in-law that even once suggested they make it less ‘pimple on prom night’ looking? O sorry, yes, Elon seems to listen to his neighbor when she talks.

 

 

 
Dear Building window constructors

Why do you make human beings go out, hanging from ropes hundreds of meters above the ground to clean the windows of buildings when you can just make a window with a hinge that allows the window to flip all the way around to the inside? They can then simply clean the windows from the inside. To tell the truth, why don’t you make all windows like that?

I understand that there has been some extremely heartwarming moments with window cleaners dressing up as superheroes, specifically at children's hospitals, dangling outside from heart stopping heights, mimicking these superheroes' everyday activities. All in all it appears these bedridden youths are really touched by this ingenious act of stirring valiancy. On the other hand however, it seems more like a campaign to appease those workers and their families who will carry the brunt of a superhero who didn't knot his knot correctly.

From a conspiracy theory point of view, it looks more like obstinate building window constructors in cahoots with the aerial window washer bosses to keep this malicious profession continuing in the light of the newly proposed swing hinge mechanism. Drops mic.

 

 


Dear Clothing makers

Why is reversible clothing not more of a thing? And the tags, but we'll get to that. With reversible garments you will actually be selling two garments for the price of one. More or less right? You did however just double the quantity of product so you might want to reimburse yourself a bit for that. But it's simple, two is better than one. Just work with material that looks good and different on either side.

This will go down particularly well in the underwear department as we often feel that we could push an underwear maybe another day but the only way you can truly justify it, is if you turn it inside out. However, what kind of dirtbag would be able to live with him or herself if they're wearing their underwear inside out?! What a catastrophe it would be if they were to be caught with their pants on their knees. What would one reply to, "we can see the stitching and the tag so clearly, never mind your untrimmed nether region". With double sided reversible underwear this would simply not be so much of a detrimental issue any longer as you are allowed by the manufacturers to double dip in time span regarded as civil for dressing in their gorgeous garments.

SECONDLY. The tags. In my life, I've read A tag. One. My wife and I bought matching long johns and when they came out of the washing I didn't know which one was which. I knew my size was a bit bigger so I check the tag. Then I clearly marked my long john with a marker in the inside and never had that trouble again. You do however seem to find it so important (and this might be prescribed law) to work the tag right into the deepest level of stitching in the clothing article.

Whether you try to remove it with one energetic rip or decide to gently and delicately cut the stitching that at first appears to only connect the tag to the garment, your whole garment will unravel at the seams. Let me make this abundantly clear, the only reason for removing it is not because we don't want the information, on the contrary actually. We wish there was more information explained in layman's terms. Perhaps even whether a young Filipino child was allowed a bathroom break in his or her fourteen hour sweatshop shift.

The damn tag makes you itch. Slowly throughout the day it starts from a light tickle moving to a bit of a more rigorous scratch, ending in what feels like the first stages of a malignant skin lesion. Here's the solution. Simply stamp a QR code somewhere on the inside. Once scanned it takes the wearer to a nice itch free web page filled with every and all the information someone needs to find out about the piece of clothing they're wearing. Or, simply print all the tag information on the entire garment as a print. Nice and big in fat bold letters as a statement that you understand what your tags have been doing to people since tags became a thing and that you are going to take the ironic high ground. Otherwise, please invest in soft printable satin tags.

 

 

 
Dear Pregnancy test manufacturers

You simply need to make the little plus or minus symbol or choice of two colors that appear when a pregnancy test is positive or negative more interesting. The women aren't measuring the PH balance of their urine. If the test comes out positive, make beautiful girl and boy names appear, like Tristan, Jade or Dominic.

When it's negative, line that strip with horrendous names like Bertha, Cecil or Biff. You at least want to feel that you’re not being cursed by a permanent companion called Roger who you have to sometimes call at full volume, in a public space, among friends you know are most definitely judging you every second of every day.

 

 

 

Dear Toilet entrance door mounters

Did it ever occur to you that you predominantly mount bathroom entrance doors in such a way that one has to open it by pulling inwards in order to exit the washing room again? Do you know that only a very small percentage of people actually see the need to wash their hands after touching their dirty parts?

By that rationale, even if but one of the hundreds of people who visit the lavatory that day does not wash his hands, every other person making their way out again indirectly touches all that one person's dirty bits? It would have been nice to just be able to gently nudge it open with your foot, but no, we've gotta grab hold of that long filthy silver gray handle bar. Now we've got to use our thoroughly cleaned hands and supposedly x-ray vision to find that one spot on the door we reckon not having been contaminated by the dirty person's germs.

So it’s easy, simply hinge the doors in such a way that those who are actually aware of germs but do not have x-ray sensors do not have to stand and wait for someone to enter again to catch the door ajar in order to leave the bathroom without contracting ecoli.

 

 


Dear Vehicle designers

How on earth did the transportation of human beings, where these said beings are actually in control and have the freedom to accelerate to their heart’s content, keep on developing with the hardest and sharpest of materials available on our planet to keep them from whatever they will inevitably end up driving into, which is more fast moving steel and glass driven by people as irresponsible as ourselves?

Surely the idea of a spongy covering with a bendable, non-shattering, transparent screen must have come to mind at some point? A vehicle that will simply roll and bounce once it makes a head on collision? Perhaps a type of gyroscopic balancing mechanism so that the people who can now drive at high speeds and consume the most blendiest of fine wines, will not spill their drinks.

If you end up driving into someone else and end up ‘unfortunately’ bounced off, perhaps facing oncoming traffic on the freeway, you can simply finish your wine, maybe take a nap and rest assured that if someone drives into you again, you’ll just be bounced to another location with another view, your skeletal structure and epidermis well in tact, on your way to your next fine wine bar.  

 

 

 

Dear Ladder producers

The one time that I really don’t need to be transported standing still, with a stable albeit filthy handrail, is when I’m in a mall going up one floor. The time I do however feel that I need plenty of steady mechanical help is when I’m climbing a ladder that usually swings back and forth as I make my way up a death defying precipice to perform my some inevitable DIY task I was in no way cut out for.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just have one step that mechanically moves upwards as you stand on it while you tightly grip onto two handlebars. The controller is at arm level on these handlebars and the step simply elevates you safely and steadily up the wall where, let’s face it, the builder would have built stairs if a person was actually meant to get up that high at that specific location.

 

 

 
Dear All Gyms everywhere, ever

A thing that is desperately difficult to understand is how all and every gym has not hooked up, not only their cardiovascular exercise machines, but anything that is swung from side to side, raised and dropped continuously or pushed and pulled in which ever direction, to power generators.

Wouldn’t it be possible to power the entire gym or even the entire block from these endless narcissistic power bouts? How about connecting it to some of Mr. Melon Tusk’s super cool new home batteries and taking them to less privileged communities once they're fully charged with a big gigantic poster on them saying,”Couchtevists no More!”. A picture of a guy sitting on a couch in the form of a battery, peddling the nodes would do the trick.

With the massive degree of self-gratification taking place in such a small area, I think it would be deeply appreciated by humanity as a whole if the gym members would be allowed to feel that they are contributing to something more than their ever increasing muscle mass.



 

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